Monday, March 21, 2016

100 Cups Of Coffee: #6

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating and self discovery. 

A little background reading and information for you all. My single life journey began a year ago, when I decided to leave my husband. I cannot believe that. It feels like yesterday and forever ago. It feels like I've been alone forever and that I've not had enough time alone.

For two years I'd wondered if I wanted to be married anymore. Two years of living in a relationship that was more friends than husband and wife. Now was the time to make the decision. Did I want this for the rest of my life? Or was it time to move on?
6. Black Eye Coffee. Denver, CO. Black coffee.

When you no longer want to wear your wedding ring, something is definitely wrong in your heart and mind. 

In a Denver jewelry store on South Broadway, a ring twinkled and caught my eye. I set down my coffee and tried it on. It was what I had been searching for but didn’t want to admit out loud yet. I bought it then and there, replacing my wedding band. It was modest. Even more delicate than the ring I already wore. Discreet. A way to test what not wearing a ring could feel like.
As I look down at my new ring, settled into it’s new home, a call comes in on my cell phone from my husband and I reluctantly answer. After the obligatory greetings, we begin to talk about how my trip is going and it quickly turns to an argument.
“So did you want me to buy you a birthday present?” he says after I mention making plans for my return. The trip to Colorado was technically my birthday gift, I knew that, but should you really need to ask your spouse this question? Aren’t I special enough to him to get a small surprise on my actual birthday? Flowers, a card, balloons? Anything? Disappointed, I stopped answering his calls.
I sit in this coffee shop surrounded by friends when my phone begins to buzz again. I glance down and it’s my husband. Accept or deny. I hit the big red button and pick up my latte instead of my phone.
Having all the emotions all the time, I can feel these opposing forces completely, simultaneously crashing into each other all at the same time. Some overwhelm the others at times, but they are all there, all the time. It is frustrating to live with personally; I acknowledge trying to love someone like that could be difficult. I needed my husband to understand me and in return give the most important emotions back to me: passionate love, excitement, appreciation, adoration and encouragement. Fourteen years later and many talks later and we are still arguing about it.
Days later my trip ends and I returned to LA to a less-than-excited welcome from my partner in life. I wanted him to miss me. He didn’t. I wanted to miss him. I didn’t. So much so that I almost grabbed a big cup of coffee and and drove straight back to Colorado that very night. I thought a longer separation might invoke the emotions I found myself longing for these last fourteen years and invoke the same in him. Instead I stayed in our LA apartment and contemplated ending my fourteen year relationship for good.
Drink in more cups HERE!

3 comments:

  1. Wow. So raw and powerful! THank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've heard it's a bad sign if you feel the need to "take a break" from a spouse. I feel like, if they came up with stages of a divorce like they have stages of grief, the first would be feeling a need to take a break.

    I'm sorry this relationship ended poorly for you, but your other posts suggest life is looking up. Better to be happy and healthy than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

    ReplyDelete

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