Friday, October 2, 2015

Figuring Out My Place In Time & Space: 6 Months of Singleness

Time to get real again nerds. 

Yes my solo vaca was amazing. I came back refreshed, recharged and ready to kick the world's ass. I sent out my very first query letter for my 100 Cups Of Coffee book and I arrived home feeling a relief, like I accomplished something big. I was excited.

I plopped my stuff onto my bedroom floor and fell into my bed. In that moment, I wanted to sleep forever. I wanted to cry forever. I wanted to hug my friends. I NEEDED to talk to someone. 

I texted and called a bunch of people and no one answered.

I cried harder.

I considered calling my ex. I considered crawling back to him, jumping in the car and driving to his house. I just came home from this HUGE self discovery and I had no one to share it with. In that moment, after such a glorious trip, I was dead alone. It finally hit me in that moment, where it hadn’t before. I was doing all the single things, I was living the single life. But it was coming home from my very first solo vacation that made me finally feel single for the first time. 

It’s official people. I AM single.

I let all the feels come pouring out, harder than ever. 

It usually happens once a month…and not THAT once a month…that I really need a good cry. I’m not suppressing crying or sadness in my everyday life. I am just an entirely emotional person. I feel everything to the max all the time and sadness is there…hiding in a tiny corner…biding her time.
My phone buzzed and it was my gay BFF. He is one of my oldest and dearest friends. He knows me, he knows my ex. He knows our relationship; he was there from the start. He has become my anchor to the now, when my head constantly searches the undecided future. Dude would never bull shit me. He knows how to talk me out of my emotions and help me see the real world. So when he suggested I stop making up stupid rules for my life and just live it, I quickly snapped out of my funk and downloaded Tinder again.

Opps I did it again….and five days later, I deleted it, again. 

SEE I am learning lessons faster than before! In a 48 hour period I had five dates lined up. Looking back on it, I feel like it is very similar to what I would imagine speed dating to be. If someone’s photo strikes my fancy in some way…I hop over to their profile. If we have something in common I will swipe in the correct direction. I’m still unsure as to which way that is {that's a good thing, I think}. I always let them reach out to me first and I don’t have the app send me notifications. 
Dating results: I go into all of my dates with zero expectations what so ever. I love talking and meeting new people, so that is what dating is for me. The first one was great! Donuts and coffee…great conversation and LOADS in common. BUT there is usually one of these…the kiss…meh…THEN he asked to come home with me. WTF. 

I politely declined. But what I wanted to say was, "That kiss was meh and hell no. #sorrynotsorry" 

I wasn’t mad that the kiss wasn’t great, I wasn’t mad that he asked to come home with me, I was mad because I felt like the entire date and every date here after was going to be a pretense to sex. 

What else should I expect from Tinder? 

But really my experiences with Tinder has been, for the most part, normal. The second date ended in a friend zoning and I went home feeling hopeless. One date I cancelled all together.

I know it has only been six months. But for me it feels so much longer. It feels like I’ve been waiting my entire life to be loved the way I want to be loved. So really it feels like 32 years to me.  
You may think my entire life is about finding THE ONE. It's not.

The five months ago Megan wouldn’t be seriously considering moving back to San Diego. The Megan that I am now is confident, joy filled and ready to have a full and rich life doing what she loves most. The people who want to be in my life will still be there even if I am in San Diego. If they are truly meant to be. 

I think I know the track I’m going to take…but the leap is always the hardest. 

{I am forever Figuring Out My Place In Time And Space. Learn and grow with me by reading my other heart felt and often over sharing articles!}

22 comments:

  1. If you ever need to talk or text anyone - I'm always here - I listen well!! Just remember the best is yet to be....Love ya Megan!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Syl! Love you and so happy we had some time together! xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Only you know what will truly make you happy! And if you ever need to talk feel free to DM me!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good on you for realizing that speed-dating is addictive, but not what you really want. Maybe try OkCupid, I've found it's easier to make connections there with people who want more than a one-night stand. You are so strong to be able to share yourself and your journey like this. Know that you have LEGIONS OF NERD GIRLS behind you who have your back no matter what! You will survive -- you will THRIVE, I just know it!! Here's to the rest of the journey!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Julio RamosOctober 02, 2015

    Well it is nice to know that I am not the only that feels that way when I come back home from an adventure and have no one to share it with. I know that feeling even if I have been single a long time. Felt that way after my European trip in April. Told myself hey you had fun you don't need to get yourself down that there is no one to share it with. I tried looking at the brightside, one day I will. For now solo adventures abound and will enjoy the freedom.

    ReplyDelete
  6. **BIG HUGS** I know that it's so hard to deal with being single sometimes, but you're getting stronger and growing each day! If you need anything, I'm always a call or text away. Love you, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hope you continue discovering what makes you truly happy--even when it's scary. You're great and finding what makes you happy is WORTH it. And you've always got an online (and occasionally IRL Colorodoan) friend in me--you can gimme a shout anytime. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love, love, love following you on this journey, and trust me, I am the LAST person to give advice, but I wonder if in regards to the dating thing, you aren't forcing something that should just happen naturally. I'm in the EXACT same boat (and it ain't my first trip to this rodeo), and I look at this time I'm single as nature's way of saying I need to spend more time appreciating/loving myself. I know it's gets lonely at times, but I would rather be lonely than in a crappy relationship I rushed into just because I didn't want to be alone. All I've ever found on dating sites is not "Miss Right", but "Miss Right Now". But once you're ready, nature will throw more guys at you than you would believe!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You got this! And we all need people to talk to sometimes - you should start a Nerdy Girlie chat room! Hahahah.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No matter what step you take next, you are a strong woman and you will be able to handle it! I feel like all the hardships will be worth it in the end, as your pursue your own happiness, and that is something to be proud of!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you so much Kay! I truly believe in what you say! xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Natalie! HA thank you I just might do that! xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. I definitely don't feel like I'm forcing it. I took a nice long break and came back naturally. Then decided it was not for me again. It takes a reminder sometime, I'm happy it came quicker than before. I am happy and have wonderful friends. I know I'm not truly alone, but it is hard when you come home alone! LOL Good luck to you too! We got this!! xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you Kendall. I am truly happy, there are just THOSE moments sometimes and they are getting fewer and further between! Thank you for being a sweet friend to me! xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you girl! I have your number now and we gotta have a nice single chat soon! xx

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you Julio and I am looking on the bright side 99% of the time! Good luck to you and yes freedom is quite grand! xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Meghan thank you babe! I think I am on another break for the time being. I'm happy and continuing to work on me. I am so proud to be apart of this nerd girl tribe! Thank you so much for your love and support! xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I feel you girl. I've just hit the two-years-single mark after a ten-year relationship. I've dated and had short relationships in that time but nothing has stuck and it's hard to not feel disheartened. The things that work the best for me is making time to be with my most special people: my friends and family, recognizing that a relationship isn't the key to all my problems and also trying to immerse myself in as many things that bring me joy as I possibly can. You will always have sad moments. There will always be moments of hopelessness and unhappiness. But you are doing all the right things and you are doing so well. You really are.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you so much girl! You are amazing, thank you for sharing your strength with me. I am so lucky to have so many amazing friends and family in my life. Soon enough, when it is meant to happen we will find the one. No rush :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  20. First of all, thank you for sharing something that intimate with all of us. For a long time I was single, and I thought I wouldn't find anyone (and whatever I tried was meh). However, I learnt to cherish the moments of solitude and thought there were times I was trully unhappy and I felt without all hope, I also found out myself, what I really wanted and how I wanted to live my life. Go girl! You can make it! You're on the right track and you're starting to be your real you <3
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. There is no manual or directions on how to live, so don't be so hard on yourself! You are doing amazing and learning about yourself more and more every day. Live every day of your life without any expectations except to be happy! Know that you can count on me if you ever feel like venting - I heart you. <3

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...